"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?"

It's day 2.5 of watching what I eat and trying to exercise at least 30 minutes a day and I have to be honest, there is pain. My arms are not used to exercising very much. I want to avoid the dreaded teacher arm I made sure to work those muscles with soup cans while I was doing my step in the morning. On the elliptical I had both my arms and legs involved. Now I'm sitting here and this part of my arm is twitching where honestly, I didn't know I had a muscle. I was never big on biology.

You would also think that your body would love the healthy food. Mine is apparently not used to fiber, I won't go into too much detail there.

Let's take a break and talk about other addictions. I really think it's important to be honest. You can feel free to share yours if you like, I won't tell.

I'm watching Snoop Dog's Fatherhood right now. His wife claims that she's thick, that thick is cute and fat is sloppy. For now I've decided that I'm thick ;) I digressed again.

Weakness of the day: reality television

Big Brother, Survivor, Real Housewives of anything, Top Chef, Top Design, Rock of Love, and now Snoop. Once in a while I will even watch a season of the Real World. That's to bond with my brother more than anything, he puts on MTV whenever he doesn't have anything to watch so it gives us a default conversation starter. Now that he has a family and we're closer I probably don't need this.

I know reality shows are edited to show what the producers want you to see, but at least you get glimpses of real humans being as horrible or as good as they really are. It's addicting. In these shows to see these people act the way they do and then later explain to the camera the thought behind it all completely fascinates me. To see what they "really think" about other people when they aren't around is eye opening as well. It's helped me realize that some people just like to mess with people for fun, some people are just plain evil, some people just never learned how to be a good person but seem to have some potential, and some people really are good. Maybe I should have known all that but I didn't. I always saw the good in people and got hurt by many, but also made amazing friends. I talked to my therapist about my addiction to reality TV and how involved I get and he said it is very common for someone who is bipolar to relate more to people in a fictional world than in the one surrounding them. Oh Amelie, that just made me think of you.

When a very good friend looked at me in college and told me I was becoming a burden on everyone and I needed therapy I thought he was a big jerk. I had no idea he was helping me turn my life around. That was only the beginning of a 10 year struggle. You will see the story unfold throughout the blog. There were a lot of ups and downs. There was a period in my life where I was living in fantasy land and woke up to realize I was completely miserable, before that I knew I was miserable, and now I'm happy most of the time. When I'm not happy I'm aware of it which is the most important thing. Those are some highlights.

How does changing my life, reality television and weight loss all tie together? I'm glad you asked. Once I was finally on meds that put me in a stable place it was like a fog lifted out of my brain. I didn't feel like a clown half the time and lay in bed crying the other half. I was just Lula Mae. Oddly, I had never really been just Lula Mae before and that sort of messed with me too (aren't I fickle?). I didn't know how to act in my groups of friends if I wasn't the entertainer. I started to get writers block because I no longer had nights where I couldn't sleep that turned into funny stories. I stopped hanging out with my friends little by little and replaced them with wine. The thought of being in large groups of them made me completely uncomfortable. I felt like I wasn't the person they knew anymore. In the past year my quality of life has increased dramatically. I now have a very supportive boyfriend whom I trust. I don't remember the last time that happened. He has helped me get back into the world and realize that I can do things I never thought possible. I am learning how to play tennis (horribly so far), I can ski now, I even went hiking. Now that I was outside the house and in a good place I was drinking less and dropping pounds. I applied and got into BU to fix the horrible end to college that I made for myself. Do you know that I actually blocked out the fact that I didn't go to class for most of senior year? I actually argued with the registrars office. Anywho. I have motivation for my future now. I want to make things better. The only thing still missing in my life is my friends. I have been in contact with some of them, most of them are the ones I invited to read this blog, but not enough. I missed the laughter that we all brought each other. The reality television in some messed up way has prepared me. I don't have to be the clown. People would probably prefer it if I sat back and listened sometimes. I can just be Lula Mae and the real friends will still love me. No more Holly Golightly.

That was a weakness and part of the personal story. Sorry if I rambled on. I like quiet Saturday mornings.

Go to Jen's sister- in- law- almost's blog CarrotsNCake if you are looking for good recipes or just fun stories. Jen's right she's much more balanced than Hungry girl.

Love,

Lula Mae

Title Quote is from Amelie