I'm big boned?

I should warn you before you get too involved that my favorite writers usually write train of thought. I may go off on tangents and for that I apologize, but I promise that someday I will bring you something of substance.

The first thing that comes to mind today is weight. It's something that I've battled with my whole life. I'm not a fat person but I have always perceived myself as chubbier than I am. I have just recently accepted that. I finally know how to eat well and occasionally exercise. I was a bit excited because the culture seemed to be turning around, finally women who were a size 12 were being recognized as beautiful. Since I happen to be a size 12 I thought "score!". These women are still looked at as plus size models, but compared to the waifs that I could never become even the models on the non plus size runway seemed a bit curvier. Now I innocently buy a copy of Elle to entertain me on a plane ride down to Florida. I shift through the fashion to get an idea of what I will be able to afford at TJ Max in a season or two, and what I can try to impersonate now. Towards the end of the magazine I come across this article, an interview of a lady who is so health conscious that she thinks it's terrible to promote anything to the public that is not aiming them towards having the perfect healthy figure. On one hand I am reminded of an episode of the Twilight Zone where a girl is almost forced to have surgery to be perfect like everyone else, on the other hand I can see some of the points this woman has. She mentions that we shouldn't accept our bodies just because we think we were born into them. That one stings. I come from a long line of size 12-20 women, and a long time ago I sort of accepted that no matter how much dieting I did I would always come back to that size. There is a picture of her with her overweight mother and grandmother and it makes me think, do I have to accept my body as beautiful at this weight? I have to admit I am still self conscious. There are mornings when I am convinced nothing in the world will look good on me. According to the BMI my ideal weight would be 144 (I'm 5'7") that would require me to lose about 20 pounds. The article had a lot of other interesting points, many too extreme but I think it got through to me. I think I will try to crack this size 12 shell and see if I can be healthier. I'm 28 now, it's only going to get more difficult. I won't take any pills, I won't follow any special diet plans, I will just eat nutritious food watching my calorie intake and try to do at least a little exercise every day. This blog, in addition to being a place to vent and practice my writing will also be a place to post my progress.

Wish me luck..

-Lula Mae